Staring at a Sisyphean Nightmare


I’m not sure if this is the right place for this, but then again, I’m not sure there is a right sit for this – and that might be a big part of my problem.

I’ve contended with my weight my entire life. Unbeknownst to me, I’ve likewise struggled with PTSD, nervousnes and depression, various sleep maladies, and PCOS, which probably starts some ways to explaining why the weight loss programmes that worked for other parties didn’t necessarily work for me. My wife has even more health problems than I do, and a lot of the time it feels like we’re both is difficult to merely capacity day-to-day; there aren’t very many spare resources to go around, and as much as she wants to be supportive she isn’t very good at actually helping me achieve lifestyle aims because she’s got to focus on obstructing herself disappearing.

It sucks.

I’ve got a lot of small problem – I’ve combated numerous eating disorders, and have to set a lot of work into fighting form dysmorphia on a daily basis, to the extent that leaving the house takes a fairly significant effort of will. I’m participating therapists, doctors, I’m participating in the medications I’m meant to be taking, and I’m trying my best good to do everything I know I’m supposed to do now – and I restrain flunking. I’ll manage to control my diet for a few weeks or months, and then my wife get sick and can’t cook and I get sick and can’t cook, and unexpectedly I’m up twenty pounds. I’m doing well on my drugs, and then my health insurance hitches and I have to go off of everything for three months while they sort out paperwork, and then I’m back to square one coming my brain together all over again.

It feels like every time I take a taken forward something comes and slams me two steps back, and I’m starting to get certainly, truly frustrated with the well-meaning people who maintain cautioning me to get back up on my hoofs and try again. As though I haven’t been doing that for the last sixteen years! I have the same physicians trying to offer me the same intelligence they were giving me five years ago, because( I suspect ?) they assume that if I retained their info I would be following it. I’m starting to run out of ways to deal with beings telling me I need to focus on X – sleep, exercising, mindfulness, moving – not understood that each time I alter my focus to one thing, I have to take it away from another thing. I’m not campaigning a lack of learning, I’m opposing a lack of resources, and that’s the one thing that nobody in my life seems to be able to offer.

I’ve tried asking for help; still further, I’ve yet to have a friend or family member who’s actually able to follow through in ways that meet “peoples lives” all very well. My lineage is curing me pay for a gym participation, but “hes living” far from being me and can’t do anything about the part where I don’t have the intensity is responsible to ensure that my wife and I both make our remedy, get to our appointments, succeed, and then too get myself to the gym. Everyone else talks a good game about offering day or sources, but when I actually need it, they’re never around.

The biggest challenge, though, is that I’m not giving up, and I’m starting to feel like a complete and utter moronic for putting with things. I know the old saying, the definition of madnes being to try the same thing over and over expecting different answers. I know how stupid it voices, to say “Okay, I’m really going to try to focus on exerting when I can and hindering a caloric deficit” for the umpteenth period, when the last nonetheless many times I’ve said it have resulted in me falling off track and gaining heavines back and get sick and incapacitated and intent right back at square one all over again.

I have absolutely zero help feeling that I have the power to change my place. I have zero sense that any of my best efforts will result in success, because they never have. But, I can’t am saying “okay, I approximate I disappoint then”. I don’t know why, since I have very little in accordance with the rules of motive and no hope whatsoever. I feel stupid, my campaigns feel futile, and after years of succeed I’m at my heaviest load ever. I feel like if I couldn’t supersede at 20, or 25, when my person and metabolism were at their prime, there’s pretty much no way I’ll had been unable to get anywhere at 31. Soon to be 32.

And … I’m going to keep trying to use MFP and go for ambles when I can, and try not to cry when a person consequently asks me how it’s extending.

submitted by / u/ ThanatosGambits [ join ] [ observes ]

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