TL;DR (Usually goes at bottom, makes more sense at top, but I really think it's better if you read the whole thing please)
Absent father, busy mother, mom didnt want me to be ghetto so she made me stay home all the time, I have many social and mental problems.
I have many problems. For one, my father want around very much. He wasn't there when I was born, and he walked out around 3 or 4 more times. Although this is common with immigrant minorities like myself, my mom didn't want me to be in the streets and get mixed up with drugs and gangs, so she made me stay home my whole life. I know I'm still young (Almost 14), but I haven't learned any profitable skills and dont have any hobbies to pass the time. I'm too old to learn anything, and that's also bringing me down.
Overall I bottle my emotions (You'll read about that later), and it ends up making me feel numb to most emotional things, so a lot of kids in my school think I'm some sort of deranged sociopath that wants to hurt everyone. It's simply not true and it also makes me very mad, which ends up badly (You'll also read about that later).
I would stay home all day and do homework, watch TV and play video games. I never had many friends growing up (Well, I've been to 8 schools so far, and I get many friends but they're all superficial and I could never relate to them), and I didnt develop many social skills so I get extremely nervous when I talk to anyone. It's also a catch 22 because I have Cholinergic Uticaria (I get very itchy when I sweat), so I get nervous and start sweating, then I break out scratching myself with makes me feel embarrassed, making me even more nervous. One thing that also bothers me is that I often try to be the "nice guy" and almost never say no to favors (I'm working on that on my own).
I'm also pretty sure I'm depressed or bipolar, not 100% sure but then again, my parents dont believe in anxiety, depression, insomnia or being bipolar so they won't let me find out, but I'm very sure. When I wake up, I just lie in bed for hours and sometimes even days, only getting up to use the bathroom. My appetite changes radically with some days or weeks I barely eat and then other days I eat so much (yesterday I ate 5 chicken breasts in an hour). I always wake up with a big sigh and I think about what the future might be like, and I just see no hope. Even my mom has said so. I've occasionally had thoughts about cutting myself or suicide but never really act on it, however, I have messed with drugs and alcohol but it wasn't very pleasant as I overdid it. I say I might be bipolar because at times I often get randomly filled with happiness and I do things in impulse, like tell someone I love them, randomly go on a workout spree, or do anything a normal happy person would do. But then again, it's rare and doesnt last a long as I wish it did.
I sleep terribly. I fall asleep anywhere between 7 to 9 AM and wake up anywhere between 4 and 6 PM, which isnt healthy. I dont get good sleep, either. I twist and turn in bed, sometimes for hours, and get bad quality sleep. I dont feel comfortable in my house. It feels like a prison. I want to go out and explore the city, but I have no money and dont want to cause problems. I'm stuck in bed and I get very upset that I'm accomplishing nothing, so then I take a depression nap and let the cycle repeat. I've tried everything. Ive drowned myself in pills, warm milk, warm showers, no electronics, reading a book (I end up getting frustrated and start throwing the book at the wall or end up hitting the wall and/or my book), but nothing ever works. It's awful. And then my parents get mad at me and I just get even angrier and sometimes we end up breaking things and hurting each other. I'm not trying to call child services though cause sometimes I can be a smartass.
I get extremely paranoid sometimes. If my friends or anyone texts me out of the blue, I always feel they either want something or are tricking me. People in my school often use me to get better grades, because despite my lack of almost any profitable skills, the few ones I have include academics, however, because I'm never motivated to do anything, I depend on exams to keep me afloat and never do homework or projects. Anyway, I like walking my dog after 11pm because there are usually no cars and no one bothers me with their bigger dogs, so its nice, but when I walk down the street, I often feel I'm being watched or stalked but then I feel silly because why would anyone stalk me? My life is bland and monotone, so I finish walking and just go home. Also, whenever I manage to almost fall asleep, I get a creeping sensation that someone is watching me and if I open my eyes I'll get paralyzed and they'll hurt me. Another annoying thing is when I play video games at 4AM (my computer is in the living room by the way), I often hallucinate and see things around the house, usually a person with glowing eyes walking around and staring at me. Its unsettling to say the least.
Another thing is anger issues, but I think that has more to do with bottled up emotions with no release. A few weeks ago, I got into a fist fight with some dickhead and after he hit first, I lost control and started hitting him extremely hard until there was blood. Most people would say they overreacted, but to be quiet honest, I enjoyed it. It felt nice to release some rage, especially on some dick that deserved it. Anyway, as you read earlier, I sometimes hit my books and my walls. Yes. It's a problem. Despite being a loser, I'm still a pretty big guy, and with that comes strength. I hit my walls and they break easily so my mom makes me fix it and it ends up annoying me. If my phone freezes I grab it and I throw it at my wall and clench my fists. That's why its cracked pretty bad. I cant seem to control my anger at all.
I found a few ways to cope, but they're starting to fail. I often listen to music (Rock and metal) to keep me distracted and end up singing along or if it's a "rage" song I scream at the top of my lungs. This goes either 2 ways. If I enjoy the song, it always stirs up strong feelings which can either be negative or positive. If negative, I get a strong desire to cut myself, and if positive, I cant stop smiling and I get chills down my spine and it honestly feels better than an orgasm. Talking about orgasms, another way to cope is constant masturbation. Since its summer, I do it anywhere between 5 and 15 times a day. I know it's a lot but, eh… feels good, even though after I orgasm I sigh and get back to being upset. Another way I cope is by eating. Like I said, my appetite changes a lot. Even if I dont feel like eating, I'll force it down and it feels nice.
Again, sorry for the very long list of my issues but it feels good to vent. All my friends are rich douchebags (but they're alright) so they have tons of other friends and always go shopping and to the mall or whatever and of course they dont invite me, so that upsets me a bit, but, better to stay home than be there unwanted, and because they have so many friends and simply say stuff like "lmao I wanna die so bad" because they are the prime example of "13 year old edge lords", they dont exactly relate to me at all so if I try and talk to them about it they just say "lmao same" and then go post on their story about how they wanna die. It's really annoying because they act like it's funny, and of course, I like dark humor so sometime I find it funny, but other times not so much. Most of them think I'm just messing around, I guess.
EDIT: To gain a little perspective of how I feel when other people try to talk to me about it, listen to this: https://youtu.be/Tf8TBAGxZrg
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